Mike’s Mental Health Story
This page is to educated people on what I deal with every day.
I do live day by day because the future is not given, suicidal thoughts bounce around my head like someones grocery list. But I have one good reason not to, my daughter!!!
Quick notes about me. I have had some of the illnesses below since I can remember. I have been in and out of hospitals, treatment centers and I am currently on a 305 Commitment.
My diagnosis, by the all knowing, doctors:
Schizoaffective disorder Depressive type
Schizoaffective disorder is a condition in which a person experiences a combination of schizophrenia symptoms such as hallucinations or delusions and mood disorder symptoms, such as mania or depression. Schizoaffective disorder is not as well understood or well defined as other mental health conditions. This is largely because schizoaffective disorder is a mix of mental health conditions including schizophrenic and mood disorder features that may run a unique course in each affected person.
- Anxiety disorder (not otherwise specified)
- Anxiety or phobic avoidance that does not meet the criteria for any other specific disorder. ( E.g., Anxiety Disorder, Phobia, Adjustment Disorder With Anxiety, Adjustment Disorder With Mixed Anxiety, Depressed Mood . )
- Agoraphobia is a type of anxiety disorder in which you fear and often avoid places or situations that might cause you to panic and make you feel trapped, helpless or embarrassed. With agoraphobia, you fear an actual or anticipated situation, such as using public transportation, being in open or enclosed spaces, standing in line or being in a crowd. The anxiety is caused by fear that there’s no easy way to escape or seek help if intense anxiety develops.
What that means to me in my every day life is:
- Antisocial behavior
- 1st and foremost I am antisocial because of my illnesses. I have to be intoxicated to feel comfortable in social situations.
- I only have a very tight circle of people I call friends and talk to.
- I will when I am not working if I am working stay in my house for long periods of time. I have been know not to go outside for 2 or 3 weeks at a time. Working and when I have my daughter forced me to break this. But as of right now 12/16 I don’t have either to bring me out.
- Auditory, visual, olfactory, & tactile hallucinations.
- So to me this means that I see people that are not really there. Which is not so much an issue in till I leave my house. The medication helps with this but when I am under stress it kicks up. I deal with this by going out with people I know or wearing headphones when I go out by myself and ignoring everyone I see.
- See & Talking to people that aren’t there
- Seeing shadow people
- Seeing auras around people
- Seeing black suv’s place they there not
- Feeling bugs crawling on me
- Seeing shadow animals out of the corner of my eye
- Voices – I hear voices in my head almost every waking moment. And they have been there since I can remember. Most of them are mean in their own way. Most of them only criticize me or what I am doing, only one likes to try to tell me what to do. One voice, that does not come out often, says nice things. The voices like to say things like I am not good enough or I can’t do whatever I am trying to do. Sometime they do frustrate me enough that I fail at what I was trying to do. Or even worse I fail at what I was doing and then they rag on it for hours after.
- They belittle me all the time; I hear them from the time I wake up to the time I go to sleep.
- Make it hard to think some time
- Can worsen my mood and lowers my self-esteem
- Can elevate my anger and frustration levels
- Can make me feel uncomfortable around other people because of the fears the voices can drive inside me.
- Severe Depression
- I have spent days in bed sleeping and when awake up starring at the walls or ceiling.
- Paranoia – I can feel it may different way, either a pain attack or a feeling of run run run. Some of the time or places are listed below.
- That people are conspiring against me
- That people are trying to harm me
- That people are trying to take my stuff
- That people are watching me
- Elevators – death boxes
- That extreme thing are going to happen
- Leaving my house
- That people can read my thoughts and know what I am thinking.
- Not being able to go outside (without medications)
- Being outside
- People are watching
- Things are out of my control and bad things will happen
- Being to broken and people noticing it
- I don’t like to be in crowds or around more than 5 people at a time.
- off and on nervous ticks,
- like my eye twitching
- cough/ in my teens
- can’t say words right all/ my life when stressed
- cracking my left jaw joint/ 2011 & 2012
- My cat Fred
- Fred the Cat is a visual hallucination that comes around from time to time to let me know I am screwing up. He use to when I was younger and being raped comfort me by taking me to his homeland where nothing bad ever happened.
- Disorganized /Derailment/ Rapid Thought
- To me this means I am a conductor of the thought in my head. It also means that I am an intuptor of the thoughts. Which one are relavint to what I am doing and whcih ones can keep bouncing around in my head for later.
- Mood swings
- Trust Issues – Well if you read my blog specifically about my past this is not a surprise.
- OCD impulses
- My house is usually spotless, but this is lacking because of the depression lately.
- I have to keep certain items with me at all times.
- Have to watch the cctv camera
- Have to be prepared for things
- Have to be have weapons on or around, I sleep with my gun, a knife and baseball bat as an example.
- Have to check email’s
- Have to be organized
- Have to keep useful things
Because of the mental issues:
- Self injury
- Beating my head or hands off the wall till it bleeds
- Suicidal thinking
- Off and on marijuana use.
- Have to clean, Have to watch the cctv camera, Have to be ready for things, Have to be have weapons on or around, Have to check email’s, Have to be organized, Have to keep useful things. If I don’t do the things that my mind tells me to do then something bad will happen.
- Example: If I don’t check or watch the cctv someone will come and get in.
- Example: If I don’t keep my house clean then it might burn down or people who come in will think I stinks
Hospitalization / Comments :
Prior to writing this page:
- February 2014 – Westmoreland Hospital.
- This is a work in progress area, there are more I just need to get the dates.
- Feb 2014 to current 305 comment.
- 11/17/15 Sign 305 papers
- 9/24/16 Continued 305 Hearing
- 10/2016 – Signed to have it continued 190 days.
- 3/8/17 Hearing, I missed it so it was continued to next month.
- 4/5/17 – Hearing today and its been continued 3 more months.
- 9/19/17 Continued for 6 more months.
Medications I Take:
- Psychiatrist = Family Behavioral Resources in Greensburg, Pa
- Trazodone Tab 100 MG (anti-depression, anti-anxiety)
- Prazosin HCL Cap 1mg (Nightmares)
- Buspar 30mg (Anti-Anxiety)
- Remeron 30mg (Anti depressant)
- Neurontin/ Gabapentin Cap 300mg, 100mg three times a day. (Anti-Anxiety)
- Zoloft/Sertraline Tab 200mg (Anti depressant)
- Risperidone TAB 2mg, Morning (Anti-psychotic)
- Risperidone TAB 5mg, Bedtime (Anti-psychotic)
- PCP = Dr Steven Mills & Associates office in Youngwood, Pa.
- Melatonin Tab 9MG, Bedtime (Sleep)
- Sumatriptan Tab 100mg (Migraines)
- Off the Streets
- Klonopin/Clonazepam ( Anti-Anxiety )
- From the store/ Web
- Green Garden Hemp Seed Oil
- Tangy Tangerine multi-vitamin & mineral complex
- Airborne Original Vitamin
Doctor / Therapist / Case Manager / everything else Mental Health Updates:
Update: 9/25/17 Meet with my Therapist today. One of the things we talked about was my 305 commitment I asked him straight out what would I have to do what would he want to see to get me off of it. I got no real answer. We also talked about my past and how I feel therapy is a waste of my time because all of the therapy I did in the past.
Update: 9/20/17 Meet with my case manager today. We talked about my hearing, moving and my roommate thing. So a normal monthly meeting.
Update: 9/19/17 Had my 305 hearing today and I lost my argument to be released from it. My attorney from the public defenders office was good but the Doctor was an ass. He stated that I was not a harm to myself or others but that I didn’t want to improve in my life. What business is that of theirs.
Update: 8/1/17 Seen Doctor Migaly at Family Behavioral Resources in Greensburg, Pa. He put me back on Trazodone that Dr Laskey took me off of. He also gave me Prazosin HCL Cap 1mg for the nightmares. He was in an noticeable rush so I spent about 5 minutes with him.
Update: 7/3/17 Seen a different new Doctor Laskey at Family Behavioral Resources in Greensburg, Pa she took me off of the Trazodone, upped my Risperidone and added Remeron 30mg
Update: 6/6/17 Seen my new Doctor Migaly at Family Behavioral Resources in Greensburg, Pa, for the fist time, today. He added Neurontin again and upped my Trazodone to 150mg.
Update: 5/25/17 Seen Dr Maximo Lockward at Chestnut Ridge Counseling in Greensburg for the last time. He didn’t change much just added Buspar 15mg twice daily.
Update: 5/12/17 Seen my new Therapist at Family Behavioral Resources in Greensburg, Pa today for my intake. This is where my 305 has been transferred to since Chestnut Ridge is closing.
Update: 5/4/17 Seen Dr Maximo Lockward at Chestnut Ridge Counseling in Greensburg he upped my Zoloft to 200mg.
Update: 5/3/17 Seen my new therapist for our 2nd and last appointment. She helped me set up an intake at Family Behavioral Resources in Greensburg, Pa. This is where my court order is being transferred to.
Update:4/13/17 Seen Dr Maximo Lockward at Chestnut Ridge Counseling in Greensburg he upped my Risperidone to 5mg a day and Zoloft/Sertraline Tab 150mg a day.
Update:3/31/17 Seen Dr Maximo Lockward at Chestnut Ridge Counseling in Greensburg and he upped my Risperidone to 4mg. We also talked about my upcoming 305 hearing on Wednesday April 5th and he said he would let me off of it because I am doing so well, and making all my apointments. Crossing my fingers.
Update: 3/15/17 – I seen Dr Maximo Lockward today and he upped my Risperidone & Zoloft/Sertraline. And discontinued the Neurontin I was told his last day is the 31st and I am kind of sad about that. He seemed to listed and even had follow up questions something show the interest that most doctors don’t have in the patient.
Update: 2/27/17 – I seen the nurse today and she just gave me refills and scheduled an doctor’s appointment for one week out.
Update: 2/13/17 Seen the doctor and he add risperidone and is taking me off the Zyprexa
Update: seen my PCP on 1/31/17 and he put me on two medications.
Update 11/20/16 I have missed like two of my doctor appointments. Just tired of being a Ginny pig. But plan on going in soon so they don’t come get me.
Update 10/10/16 Seen yet a new doctor and he tool me of of Klonopin and put me on Neurontin
Update 9/9/16. Seen my new doctor at Chest Nut Ridge today and she gave and changed my meds. increased my Zyprexa, gave me Vistaril. She also order a few test/ blood work.
Update 9/6/16. Seen doctor today. He increased my Zyprexa to 10mg. Decreased my Latuda. And the upped Klonopin to twice a day.
I have taken in the past:Latuda
- Trazodone Tab
Documents about 305/302 & other stuff:
Below you will find documents about my mental health. Some are papers the Doctors and P.A.’s had to fill out others are from the Pennsylvania court system.
Why? Because I want to show you what they look like, to back up my clams. Like anyone would lie about the stuff above, and to have them for future record if I need to look something up.
Please note my birth date, SS number or other info will be blacked out for safety.
A court order
305 order 3/6/17
A Form that my Pa at Chest Nut ridge had to fill out for me
305 Order 4/5/17
My last 305 court order
This is still a work in progress, and will all-ways be update……..
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Written By & Posted By: Michael J. Granata
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“Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn’t go away.” – Philip K. Dick
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