The Story From A Broken Mind
Can’t sleep. Why? My mind races with thoughts of “why do I only drop stuff at work when every ones there to see” or “yeah John doesn’t like you that’s why he never calls you” can’t forget the classics like “you’re a loser, kill yourself”. All while I cough up my lungs, go figure going into hospitals and I got something. But it to shall pass.
Just been thinking a lot about this up coming year. like, will I get to see Lilly, how can I get out of debt, when will this tax bill ever end, should I move, is my car going to hold up so I can make some money this year, or is my mental health going to slip and I get stuck on 1oo% S.S.I. again with the bills piling up again like last year.
I been getting stoned a lot more this year than last. So much happened in the last three months of 2016. So much I don’t want to still deal with. Why I been avoiding therapy. I hate lying to the poor guy. Even if they are forcing me to still go. And back to the weed. I love it. It quiets the voices. I feel a sense of calm and sometimes happy. I never feel happy anymore sober. I just feel numb almost like I see my days as if I am watching it but that i am not living it. And tired, tired like you have more gravity pulling you down than others. You fight it but fighting it becomes mentally challenging. So I get tired and then getting out of bed sucks so much. Because you are still tired when you wake also because you have to fight all that extra gravity that makes fit feel like a ton of two of rocks are just pushed down on you. But you climb out of bed anyway. Because today night be the way you see Lilly or get some work. Because after all you got to eat.
Fuck it all
Giving up is to easy, life is just a nightmare. Judgement day will come and I count the seconds. For this day will be the day of no more pain.
I hope it’s raining the day I die. I am sure there is some deep meaning to this but to me it is just because I like the storm. The smell of rain the taste of electricity. Don’t get me started about rain and tin roofs.
Two oh seven in the a.m. and I am laying here not sleeping. No sheep for Mike. No peace for the sinner with out Him. I know Him and I hope whoever is reading knows Him.
Tick Tock there we all are another second closer to the Last second of your life. Everything always has a last, the last time you seen her, the last sip from a sippy cup, the last babysitter, do you think you’ll know when you are taking your last breath?
“Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn’t go away.” – Philip K. Dick
“The way I see it, every life is a pile of good things and bad things. The good things don’t always soften the bad things, but vice versa, the bad things don’t always spoil the good things and make them unimportant.” — Doctor Who
“The only valid censorship of ideas is the right of people not to listen.” – Tom Smothers
“Who controls the past controls the future. Who controls the present controls the past.” ― George Orwell
“If you don’t work on important problems, it’s not likely that you’ll do important work”. – Richard Hamming
“Being in a minority, even in a minority of one, did not make you mad. There was truth and there was untruth, and if you clung to the truth even against the whole world, you were not mad.” – Orwell