Mike's Struggle

The Story From A Broken Mind

A Good Suicide Note – 11.9.17

I look around and all I see is darkness, betrayal. No matter what the human condition will always do what’s best. But I search for belonging. And I get walked on. The. The dark comes back. I try to push it away. I try to be everything to him/her/them. But the more you are the more they want. I guess I’m the end all you can do is leave a good suicide note behind.

I read this note the other day by Hunter Thompson.

“He wrote “No More Games. No More Bombs. No More Walking. No More Fun. No More Swimming. 67. That is 17 years past 50. 17 more than I needed or wanted. Boring. I am always bitchy. No Fun – for anybody. 67. You are getting Greedy. Act your old age. Relax – This won’t hurt.”

Man if I could write like that. Well I would have more money but the same darkness. Money does not make this go away or rich people would not kill themselves. I think but don’t know that you just trade types of darkness. Being poor has its own and it’s different but still there if your rich. It is always there. Maybe you are just born with it.

Darkness, pain, loss of hope, loneliness. All these things make killing yourself worth it. Expect the darkness can be passed on to ones that love you. And I fear that if I pull this trigger that Lilly will get some of mine. That her, what I hope is, love will be turned into something else as she grows. And that my lasting gift would be to my daughter darkness. This is what keeps me from doing this. From taking the pills, pulling the trigger.

Yes I am weak and think about it. And yes just a year ago I tried. I am weak and the darkness is strong. How can I help this. But most times Lilly’s fear shines in on my mind. And I can’t do that to her. I can’t do that to 11-year-old Lilly. Maybe when she is old enough to understand. Old enough to read my words not know that this is not her fault.

And i think “this will not hurt”. And would if it did would it not hurt less than what the darkness hurts every day / hour / min. Would the whiteness of the voices not be worth it. Can you weight one against the other?

I watch the flame dance in the candle that lights my room. Can the flame have darkness? There are people who shine so bright in this world. Is that to overcome the darkness or do they not know it because they light everything up? If I got close would their light Chase off my darkness? I would never know because people like that don’t do worthless people like me. ” The dark stays in the dark” I am told.

But the flame has it good till the end.  And the “it will not hurt” I say as I blow it out.

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Posted By: Michael J. Granata
Contact:
724-383-6008 (Google Voice)
MichaelJGranata@gmail.com

“Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn’t go away.” – Philip K. Dick

“The way I see it, every life is a pile of good things and bad things. The good things don’t always soften the bad things, but vice versa, the bad things don’t always spoil the good things and make them unimportant.” — Doctor Who

“The only valid censorship of ideas is the right of people not to listen.” – Tom Smothers

“Who controls the past controls the future. Who controls the present controls the past.” ― George Orwell

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This entry was posted on November 9, 2017 by in Journal and tagged , , .

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