Mike's Struggle

The Story From A Broken Mind

An old Journal I found

14055141_1761797210764399_8755229952714920090_nBelow is an old journal I found from what looks like its from 2005 to 2009. I did not edit it at all I just copied and pasted it to this site.

Posted by Michael Granata

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My Journal

By

Michael Granata

 

This is the record book of Mike J Granata.  I started this book on Oct 6st 2005.  I am at the age 25.  I will not be going back into my life before this day, for which I would need me to buy to many more books and pens.

But just for understanding as of this point in my life I am a loser.  I am living with my girlfriend Amanda and she hates everything about me.  I started this relationship 5 months ago (on the 9th) and at first it was good.  Then the trouble started.  She has flirted with my friends, kissed on other guys, tried to hook up with other guys on aol im, and even been on true.com which is a dating website.  And that’s what I know of, I suspect more thought.

Well back to today, my morning started out early at about 8:30am.  And went down hill from there I was told I woke up with a bad aptitude.  Because I said what u did  not want to sleep in the bed again with me.  Cause when I went to piss I found her (girlfriend) sleeping in her kids bed again.  See had said she is not attracted to me, she finds herself not wanting to lay with me.

 

It is the morning of the 7th and everything seems good.  Amanda and I lied in bed and held each other for about an hour.  It felt nice to do this we have not done this in a while.  We have both been to busy trying to make each other mad.  And last night brought about a true feeling with her. She told me how much she fears me leaving and the fear inside her push me to try to hurt me first.  Since me leaving would hurt he a lot because she loves me.  Which as far as I can tell is a new feeling For her.

 

Sunday May 28th 2006

I sit here and think about what I do.  What I do and why I can’t stop.  It’s the way I am spoce to go thought life is it what I am.  Or am I just lazy.  Why can’t I ever  trust anyone.  Everyone I meet I try to find there angle,  Why are they talking to me.  What do they want/  These questions feel my mind like an over flowing dome.  I can’t stop them.  Why do I have this? Why won’t the voices just stop.

I get drunk and high all the time, cause  it helps.  I can lose myself this way.  Like I am not me any longer.  Like I am someone normal.  Life sucks, but I just can’t do it.  I feel myself getting more and more depressed as time goes on. I am 26 and have nothing every person I know my age or yunger has a family or is starting one.  Me I am alone.  Which is better I have come to believe.  Don’t want another me in this world.

The voices are like piranhas, they won’t stop till they have blood. Add opinion where there not wanted, adding insult to injury. They just wont stop…. They just wont be still…. And they won’t shut up. The only thing that works is vodka, vodka makes the noise go away. Vodka makes the quite come.

Why wont they go away, cant they just let me be. Every day every night, always doubting

They hate you
she uses you
they can hear us
all the money that’s all they want
your fat
they can read ur mind
they can see your problems
do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it
she hates you
they laugh at you
she wish you where dead
kill your self
she could never love you
they all will hurt
they are tying to get you
see that everyone cant see that
there coming
they plot against you
fly throw my head like wild fire down a mountain, even more and worst things always there never leaving me alone. I just want it to stop, I just want the quite.

Numb

I feel this hole in me, why its
where well we will not dive into that today.
I have tried to fill this hole with drugs, alcohol (which works best), relationships
and religion. Which none of these seem
to work well enough to keep around. I
block out the pain and misery with a dead numbness. The
numb has been my most active and easiest way of cooping. Its like my best friend, my leaning
post.

With it I am lost and without it I am
lost.

ALL I HAVE ASKED FOR WAS A LITTLE HELP

 

I am trying to seek help for my problems, but no one wants to help me.  They all worried about there liability, there bottom line.  So they say cant help me, and just reconfirm my thoughts that I am un-helpable. A waste of there time, just like the shadow people say.

 

I have seen two, that do they call themselves because mental heath is so un-politically correct, oh ya behavioral health.  Like my problems are behavioral.  Nope I am lacking in mental ability and my behavior is influenced by my mental problems.  But in today’s world it is about making people act normal and not help the problem that cause them to have the quote behavioral problems end quote.

 

I think the Stern Center (stern center behavioral health) is one of the companies trying to protect themselves from a law suit when I go off, you know because I am a danger to everyone, some people believe that I am here to help and have a purpose.  So instead of saying that they are just saying that I need more help then they can provide so that I go somewhere else and become someone else problem.

 

But I have decided that is not going to happen.  I am going to do one of two things which is A) force them to continue to help me or B) well lets just say there going to regret ever taking me on as a client.  Because they hole country will know about the fact that they could have helped me and well that’s all I can say about that.

 

Because if they wont see me I can’t get my medications.  And I really don’t want to go back to being that mike, but if the force me to then it on them.  And it will make cretin gov. agencies happy.

 

 

October 13, 2008 – Monday

I have been thinking a lot about finding a woman to have a relationship with, basically cause I am lonely.  I have a few friends and a cat, but that one person that I can trust enough to tell anything.  The one to care about me, as I can care about them.

But how can I bring someone into my world with all the problems, how can I trust someone enough to even clue them into what goes on in my head and life.  I know I don’t have to tell her but she will notice.  And instead of them running away after I get use to them cause they can’t handle my problems, and then I have to start over which sucks.

And this has also brought up things about past relationships, which is not fun.  I have not ever had a good relationship.  And I believe that it is my doing, I think I have chosen the wrong women to go out. Just ask my friends!  They will say that, that this is a true statement.

 

 

 

April 7, 2009 – Tuesday

 

Well people don’t like it when i say i am broken, but thats the way i feel.  I feel like a big broken freak, like everyone ca see my problems as if they where written on my shirt. I am alwise trying to act normal but the only time I feel normal is when I am drunk.  Maybe it not really feeling normal but that i can’t hear or see my problems.  I am not stupid i know they don’t go away cause I am drunk so please don’t messag me with that stuff.  But it is nice to one night total of maybe 12 hrs to not have to live with in my problems.  To be free, to be normal.  How broken am I when I like feeling normal.  Most people try to be different, I try to fit in.
I guess some of this is my paranoia, I know that people can’t read my mind or see the problems that I don’t let show.  But every time I see someone looking at me or giving me that glance, and that weird silence when your talking to someone.  My mind just goes wild with thought going at the speed of light.  And I start to feel trated.  Trapped like a rat in a maze, a broken rat.

 

 

 

June 22, 2009 – Monday
….What is truth, is it what you believe is true, is it what you can prove with fact.  what if I tell a white lie to save your feelings.  Is it not the truth because its not whats right.  cause to you it is now the truth.  How about me what i see seems true  to me, but since you cant see it dose it now become not the truth or a lie.  Is that it my head is full of lies, right.  I mean what is really the truth and how makes these rules.  why do i have to live by them, what if i like my lack of reality. because there nothing is wrong.  There is not truth there, just happiness, no pain, no pills, and no one to hurt you.  that’s seems much more like reality that i want, but then here comes the courts, pushing there truths on me.  Making me bend to there reality, with pills.

I have told my share of lies don’t get me wrong, but there where always to keep me safe from the outside world, that at every chance hurts and beats me down.  the doctor really said, and this has been bugging me, not to think of the bad stuff in your life.  How is that possible when so much of it was hell.  and that parts that weren’t was just setting me up for a bigger fall.

That’s why i lie to people, to keep them far away from me.  cause if they come close I might care for them, then they will hurt me.

 

 

 

August 13, 2009 – Thursday

 

So alone, so hard
Current mood:lines are being crossed

….i feel so alone, so with out of hope. lost in the world of my owe reality. realty that they same is messed up.  But is all this fighting with myself worth the title of normal.  Is all the stress better then the voices.  Is the scares worth the release.

Having so much more trouble with everything since I decide not to drink or smoke weed so I can get better pills to help in the fight.  cause the pro love to blame stuff on the vodka, well if you where not drinking is what they say.  and all i want to do is screqam out if your pills did there job i would not need the vodka.  I would say good by to my oldest friend, and be no more our relationship.

When will this blanket of dark life, when will the thoughts go away.  I don’t like being one step away from death, but death is the only sweet relief i have left.

I understand I let myself get this way.  I understand that it is me that shuts the world out, BUT THE WORLD SUCKS.  PEOPLE SUCK. We lie and deceive like we breath.  we hurt with no regard of that scares we are leaving.  and if your different and care then your a freak, hell if your different at all your an outcast.

 

September 6, 2009 – Sunday

 

Why am I punished for the good I do???
….      Yesterday I was driving up the a steep hill by my house.  I was probably the 9th car in a line of 12.  There was this old lady 70 / 80 years old.  And she was stand a little past half way holding a rite aid bag.  And no one even slowed down to ask her if she needed help.  Well I swung around and said if she need a ride.  She did so I drove her to her house and dropped her off and went on my way to the store with my friend Josh.
On the way back my driver side rear tire’s break break hung up, and got so hot.  That is caused my break line to swell up and exploded.  Which burst into flames just as I got under the rear of the car with my fire extinguisher. Which I had to do three time been the break fluid kept dripping onto the hot metal which use to be my break pads.

Now Every time I try to be a good human being this kinda stuff happened.
So my question to the universe is why???
Why is it every time I try to be nice to people I get screwed???

And it also brings up the question in my mind as why don’t all them so called good humans that did not stop and help and old lady get home with out dieing.  What bad thing happened to them.  Oh I can answer that nothing, they went home to there happy lifes as i was putting out my car.

Just had to vent!!!!!!!

 

 

 

September 15th 2009 – Tuesday

someday I will forget ur name

….      I want to forget I want to block you out. All you do is add the pain.You get in the way of my  life and my happiness.  You destroy relationship at the starting point.  God I hate this mess, why cant there be a pill to make me forget.  Cause god knows I tried to drink you away.  But still your there in the morning, greeting me loudly.

Run away to a far far away place, but yet you still found me.  I have the scares to prove it. And I wounder what I did.

the name of my demon is memories, and his

 

 

 

 

 

March 22nd 2010

 

I know there not fake cause other people have seen them, people how they say aren’t insane. But they speak to me, cant find anyone else they take to. They want me to do things that I do not think is right, but what is the definition of right. What is right to you may be wrong for me.

They do tell me thing that can help me about the furniture and most of what they say about the short term have come true. So they must be right. So i must plan and follow my plans to prepare for what it to come. I wish I could scream thing to people so everyone is ready but that is against the rules.
But what of the things they want me to do???

 

March 23rd 2010

 

I have started to over eat again, I was doing so well I just can’t stop myself i know i am too fat I know i need to to eat and snack but I just get these things in my head and I just can’t not do them. There like little worms digging deeper and deeper into my brain till i do what they want and they want food lots and lots of food what can i do i think it is because of all the stress and not seeing anyone to talk to about things its been over three months and hey at least i keep it together this long and i guess over eating it better then the cutting which is something i have been fighting off but instead i just eat went from almost down to 1800 calories like that kelly lady wanted to probably around 4500 to 6000 a day

 

 

 

 

April 7th 2010

 

I think people how hurt animals should be hurt in the exact same way. If you beat an puppie then you should be beating. If you fight dogs to the death then you must fight to the death and then be killed, ect ect. It would stop all these stupid A** people from being them self’s (stupid). And I would volunteer to be the one to carry out these things. People make me sick e hurt what cares for us, we only think of our own needs and forget about other people and other creatures on the planet. Dogs and yes even cats should have the same rights as people because we have bread them to be helpless, to need use. and when someone hurts one its like hurting a helpless child.

 

April 7th 2010

 

I have been in a lot of groups about cutting/SI and come to realize, even i do it, that we think of stopping in the wrong way. I thought, and am still trying to break myself of this that, I had to stop cold turkey and just throw everything away. But you can’t do that, because it wont work for most people.

Why because you cant stop have emotions, everyone dose. Even when your numb that is an emotion to block out all other emotions.

So instead of trying to just stop try to transfer that auction (cutting/si) into something else. Doesn’t matter what as long as it is better then cutting, and you know not heroin. I have been trying to journal which seem to kinda help get things out of me that I normally would not. I have also tried other thing that didn’t work for me and am always open to new ideas. And the key is that I have been trying different things while trying not to cut as often. I am still working on finding that one or combination of things that will do for me what my si dose. And to also get over the habit that I have formed in the 18years of cutting.

See for me before when i would try to stop cutting/SI it would just build up in till I cut again and then i would get down on my self for doing it, which would lead to me cutting again and you see the pattern its like a circle it never stopped. But light at the end of the tunnel is that I have gotten it down to almost not cutting and work on everything every day and maybe one day I will no longer need to cut.

 

 

 

April 9th 2010

 

People always sit around and wounder why and how the system failed a person after they have gone off and killed themselves or others. Well the system dose not care, from the mental health facilities to the insurance companies. They all talk they do and will help you if you need them with there programs and complaint polices. But they never ever help you ur just some number with a possible liability. And if that liability is to high they will not help you. Soon I will be naming everyone that has let me and all those people that will be touched by me down so everyone will know the names of the people to blame.

 

April 13th 2010

 

Tired of the games.
Tired of the fights.
Tired of the lies.
Tired of living with this broken mind, lonely soul, and tortured body.
The alcohol is not taking away the pain.
The razor is not cutting deep enough.
This life is to full of lie and deception.
Where is the good, why am I stuck in hell. This hell i can’t drink my way out of, cause it just sits there waiting for me to sober up.

And sober mike is the mike I can’t stand right now. He has the problems, he has the questions with no answers. He is lost!!!

 

 

 

 

April 14th 2010

I have been trying not to cut, but i had a really really bad day today and it seem as if i can’t keep it way. the razor is calling my name. I had to go out to do some shopping and must have miss judged the amount of mediations I would need because I need up with all kind of paranoia, racing thoughts, voices, and all most a huge anxiety attack in the middle of the store. I tried the music thing to slow down my thoughts but it did not work. I feel so stupid because i didn’t get half of what i need and spent to much because instead of comparing things for deals I just grabbed the first thing i saw. I tried to journal when i got home have taken more pills and still feel like shit. Just don’t want to do the one thing i know i need to do which is cut, to much bad today with out that.

 

 

April 15th 2010

 

i wish there was one person that i could tell my secrets to and that could understand me. I am tired of being lonely being the only one in my world. I am tired of the out side word looking at me with judging eye and just shaking there head. I just want to rest in the arms of someone how loves me, and no the kinda love of the person how needs something. Everyone one that uses me always say they love me. I want that feeling not the words. I don’t care anymore i really don’t, because i know it will never be. It is a wonderfully feeling know that you are not lovable, that your here to be shit on. that the best you can be is scum to be used and left in the gutter. But at least at this stage the gutter feels like home. Feels like the warmth of the blood running down my arm. That helps me deal with the pain for one more day.

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This entry was posted on August 31, 2016 by in Journal and tagged , , , , , , , , .
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