The Story From A Broken Mind
I am fearful of not getting things right.
I am told a thousand times a day that I am not good enough to do anything I am doing at that moment. And I am fearful that the voices in my head are right about that.
And most of all I am fearful that I am screwing up raising my daughter. That my own mental health issues are fogging up my judgment on how I see things she does and my reactions to them. That my own suspicions and lack of trust in humans causes me to see things that are not there or to interpret something she does in a completely wrong way.
How can I tell reality from the truth when my compass is so broken? And being that my mental health issues have left me alone in this world I have no one to talk to about this. And I really don’t have any people I can say I trust that has children.
But what if what I feel is true? I know trying to communicate with a 8 year old about this is pointless. Which I know because I tried, way to go and screw that up for my own stupid issues.
What if my even being in her life is going to negative effects her more then the positives? Am I doing more harm to her by just being here this broken? Because what I see is right for her I will fight for and that maybe the wrong thing seen through a broken brain. would that not be harm done in the name of what I think is good.
Example is they want to put her on ADHD medications. I dislike medications, I hate taking medications, I fight for the reason I believe in which is the unknown side effects of giving a developing brain a chemical that it is to produce it self. Why because study’s in animals have shown that the brain will stop make that chemical and the animal need that injection for the rest of its life in some cases. I don’t want my daughter to need to take a pill for the rest of her life. most of the pills for this are Schedule II drug, because of the potential for abuse and dependence. their are other reasons also but I just wanted an example.
Am I just selfishly projecting myself onto her so that I feel less alone and disregarding the aforementioned negative effects? I am told this is what I am doing. And that one day she will hate me for it and leave. Is this true? If i predict the future by my past experiences then yes. Yes she will leave me, yes she will end up hating me, and yes the voices in my head will be right about something else.
Can I change this future that i can see and am being told will happen? is there anything I can do to show her I love her. To show her that I am trying my hardest to be a good father.
The odds are all ready stacked against me. But I am stupid thus I will push on. I all ways do and all ways get hurt. It is the cycle of my life.
I will push myself.
I will push myself. the not wanting to go outside to take her to the park or to play outside.
I will push myself. the panic I get when around large or small crowds I will fight the voices.
I will continue to step into the unknown no matter the anxiety causes.
I will push myself. this wanting to end my life because of the lonely and empty feelings inside of me.
I will fight to keep employed to provide for her despite what the doctors say.
I will keep reminding myself that I am wrong and I need to do things different;y then my first reaction.
But those are the easy battles how do you fight the more importation above mentioned issues when the window I have to look through is fogged by my own mental health problems and misunderstood feelings?
“Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn’t go away.” – Philip K. Dick
“The way I see it, every life is a pile of good things and bad things. The good things don’t always soften the bad things, but vice versa, the bad things don’t always spoil the good things and make them unimportant.” — Doctor Who
“The only valid censorship of ideas is the right of people not to listen.” – Tom Smothers
“Who controls the past controls the future. Who controls the present controls the past.” ― George Orwell
“If you don’t work on important problems, it’s not likely that you’ll do important work”. – Richard Hamming
“Being in a minority, even in a minority of one, did not make you mad. There was truth and there was untruth, and if you clung to the truth even against the whole world, you were not mad.” – Orwell
“When you want to fool the world, tell the truth.” Otto von Bismarck