Mike's Struggle

The Story From A Broken Mind

12/12/13 (Journal)

Feeling the new meds, but under so much stress. How do I not break.

I don’t have money for food or half of this months bills. But the hospitalization I am told was to help me.

It helped me get fired from the cleaning job. The only one out of the two I wanted to stick with.
It helped me not have enought money to get my car inspected.
It helped me be broke and more alone.
It helped me relize that I have no I can talk to with my life being up rooted and all this happening again.

************
4:35pm

Took all day but got my meds. I do not know if I am going to group, I am calling partial hospitalization group most of the time, tomorrow. As much as my ex case manager tried to tell me I just don’t think friends are for me. Girlfriend either.

I just want to work, and be me without people judging me. And my back to stop hurting.

I am in damage control, I am picking up pieces, I am tired of this all ready.

***********
5:26pm

What sucks about life is to be normal you have to have have friends, be in a relationship. All you see on tv, read in books, seen all around you in public. Happy people. Having happy normal life’s. Maybe it is the way I was raised.

Words bouncing around my head: No matter what the actual words, it awalys “is it is not you”. But the only common variable in every relationships is me. So if 1 plus me equals me always being hurt when I put myself out there. I am/ must be the problem.

My therpist even will tell you, she said I manipulate my way into bad relationships with my last 2 case managers.

*********

7:15pm

So got ride of all of what left of my smoke. Didn’t smoke it, lol. And the thought passes through my head that no one would be proud.

Okay that was a lie, tha was my 2nd thought. First was Stacy would be proud, then the thought, nope cause she wont. Followed by the one up top.

Fuck it, people want to use my words against me bring it.

Let the truth be told!!!!!! With the secret kept in my head.
But if the haters would not mind clicking the advertisement. =)

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image

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8:45pm

Soooooooo the postive of the day, aka getting ride of smoke, turned negatively negitive. The person(s) I donated to repaid me in m&m’s and ginger ales. And I did not tell them no, and ate all the m&ms and one of two drinks.

Out less then 24 hrs and fucks it up. Way to go loser.

Symptoms (1 -5 one being lowest): Voices, (3.5) stress of eating/other | Bad thoughts, (5.0)| Feeling/Seeing bugs, (0.5) | Shadow People, (4.0) | Normal People that aren’t real, (???) | Other Visual Hallucinations, (3.5) | Knocking on walls or doors (3.0) |Cat Fred, (0) None 😦

Feeling (1-5 One being none): Down, Depressed, Or hopeless (5.0) | Little Interest or pleasure in doing things (2.5)| Trouble failing asleep or sleeping to much (1.5) | Trouble concentrating on things (0.5) | Poor appetite or wanting to/overeating or (5.0) | Thoughts you would be better off dead (cant lilly)| Thought of your a screw up or failure (5.0)| Thought of your a screw up or failure as a father (5.0)| Thought of your a screw up or failure at your jobs  (5.0)| Thought that people just want to use you and throw you away like trash (5.0)

Nightmares (1-5 One being not bad): (1.5)
Easiness to leave the house (1-5 One being easy 5 being couldn’t) (1.5)

 

Posted By: Mike G
Contact Email: MikesAnubis@gmail.com
About me & this Site

 My Mental Issues

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This entry was posted on December 12, 2013 by in Journal and tagged .
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