The Story From A Broken Mind
I have made a flaw in my judgement. I tried to help a cowork or two that I spend the majority of my day with feel safer by tring to explain me. I have failed becaue it has seemed to work in the opposite effect.
“they fear what they don’t undrstand” -unknow to me
“no one will ever care for a retard and you are retard. So no one will ever care for you.” – The lady that birthed me mother.
Both hit my mind at the same time.
This is nothing new expect for I thought I would be able to drop the front or act and be more myself. The reason why is that my cat or front takes so much engery. So much thinking, so much not feeling right. Watchig the person I am with, disecting their every move and miorring back those actions to make them feel comfortable and believe in the lies.
I had hope that she was different since she said it didn’t bother her, I believed the lie. I miss read the body because I was wraped up in the belief emontional.
I need to stop beimg a bitch, I need to stop this emontional shit. I am bein such a pussy. I want to talk and talking is for the weak. I know I am to blame, it my worhtleness as that bought the lie of talking will help. but I know how started this, and her lie of never leaving grabed me. It has not even been a year and I am still a wreck. Still weak. Still worse.
My case manager was the one that told me, my boss did not even want to brig it up. I think she maybe also afraid of me. Makes me think of a lot of recent comments in a different light. What if the not paying more is her way of forcing me out?
I feel like I just can not let anyone getto know me, bouncing around from acquaintance to acquaintance might be someyhing I need to go back too.
It in the end the rejections would hurtless. But then agian becoming hartless would also to that, why chcikie had to bring me out of that with her warm touch. Why in nineish months have I not been able to go back to that. I am a bitch and need to stop being such.
I will burn the bitch out of me if kills me. I have to remember the lesons Nick tought me about beating out those women things.
Men don’t have feelings.
Real men have pain & vodka.
After thought: I guess the sting is not so much of what they think as much as how true it is. The evil scare.