The Story From A Broken Mind
Started this on the 9th, and i only finished it/ published it today.
I have two questions in my mind right now as I sit here thinking of everything I shoved into my mouth yesterday (11/8) and why, I wish the only answer was because I need subsistence.
And I know someone will say well stop buying junk food. Why because they do not, cannot or will not try to understand. It is not about the what. It is about the act. I once drank so much water, because it was all I had, that I vomited. It is all most like the burning my skin (self harm), I do it to hurt myself. To fill, take away or pause something at that moment or day.
The questions on my mind:
Why can I be hooked on something else as my main negative coping skill?
Why does food feel that void so well?
I have fought with my weight all my life. I have gone from skinny to 475 pounds, currently 280 pounds. Which is on the rise again.
So even past the weekend I continue to batter my food intake and just stopping the eating or everyrhing good or bad for me. I just feel this need to fill myself.
I used the idealism, might be wrong use, that if I lost all this weight that people would start to care. And now losing weight is harder physiology because I have lost so much and no one still does expect the people who are paid to. And when the pay stops so do they. Which means I have no one that cares. And I blamed it in being fat because it was easier then listening to the people in my head. They turned out to be right, I am evil and that is why people don’t care and can’t care no matter if I am 100 or 500 pounds, but at least at 475 pounds I had more professionals around to be paid to care.
Written by Mike G