The Story From A Broken Mind
Woke up this morning from my three nap at 5:30am. Really starting to think that the hate that i use as fuel has started to consume me. I really don’t find joy in anything. I am not sure if that is because everything/one likes to hit me harder then the last. Or if I am just a hate fulled bitter man. Maybe I am turning into the people in my head, aways looking at everything as bad and negative. Seeing danager and hurt behind every corner and action.
I find myself wanting to destroy happy, wanting to darken colors. Wanting ro do something to end peoples smiles. And thinking if they really knew then they would not smile. I amnot sure if my self labled realist applies anymore if I have just moved on to hating all things.
This weekend was not as bad as it could have been, is the most positive way I can look at it. I did not even want to look at the scale let alone step on it. Because of the promise I was forced into not to burm.
Side issue. does it not make someone want to do the thing they can’t do more if you say they can’t.
Anyway so I didn’t burn. I did eat and eat. Most likely gained a few pounds which is banging around my head right now too. But I have lost the will to do that anyway. I think that I had a disillusion that life would get better if I was skinnier and well I lost 175 pounds and life did not get anybetter. matter of fact it got worse because I lost the ability to say things like “I am alone becuse who wants fatty” or “people don’t like hanging out with me becuae I can’t do anything fun. Because I am fat” now I am just slightly over weight pathetic loser. So I see it was me and not my weght.