Mike's Struggle

The Story From A Broken Mind

**Triger**11.3.13 Thoughts / Journal

I have been hurt twice this year and these scares of losing people I trusted are deeper then any burn I can put on my body.  I am at that point where self injury is the line between me and losing.

I have been putting one or two small lighter burns on myself a night.

for Just a

  • Moment of peace from the people in my head.
  • A pause of the nightmare memories that keep playing in my head.
  • A calming of the storm of thoughts that run through my head.
  • A cease fire of the attacks on myself.

Is this moment of pain, this outer scare of the inner ugly, not worth this moment I get to share with no one but me.

Anyway……..

I fucked up while talking to my current case manager and took the easier of two paths and told her about this,

There was the normal bluff of hospitalization.   What is screwed up is how much she cares. Why the fuck does she care about me, what does she want from me? What is her end game?

And she used, most likely with out knowing it, her caring against me by  manipulated me into contracting. And gloated about it, I will not make this mistake again.  I am done with case management as of  now.  I can not be lucky enough to get the ones that don’t care.

So I have been going nuts with this being a bad weekend. My daughter tore my soul out of me today and nothing could go right.  Because I basically said I would not burn with out asking for help and only weak people ask for help. I am not going to let the system see me as weak so they can attack me,

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This entry was posted on November 3, 2013 by in Journal and tagged , , .
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