Mike's Struggle

The Story From A Broken Mind

pathetic and alone 4.25.2012 ** Possible SI Trigger***

You know what I hate most about the pills, I am forced to take, is that in makes me sane enough to know that I am pathetic and alone.

I say this because I am alone because I can’t trust and the fact that I can’t trust is pathetic.  

Which makes me want me to either stop taking them or take to many of them.

I am tired of either being broken, the more I work towards being “better” the more I hate myself for everything I have done to make it to this point.

I miss the good hallucinations that’s what past therapists have called them, I called them friends.

My friends or friend or Fred by name of my best friend would look out for me, stop me from doing stupid.

Yes my are from a few years ago.

But the pills took him from me 😦 so no its just broken me sitting here fighting with my self.

What should I do.

I know what I feel like doing.

What should I do.

Can I be fixed? So far the answer is now, I have been on over 100 medications that have not worked.

I need my friends, but I don’t have real friends, I can’t make them.

At best all I have is 3 acquaintances, a case manger a doctor and a therapist. The last three are paid to talk to me.

I am starting to really think that the paranoia days of running around the country being chased my my own paranoid hallucinations is better then this.

Back then I didn’t know how lonely, broken or pathetic I am.

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This entry was posted on April 25, 2012 by in Journal and tagged .
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