Mike's Struggle

The Story From A Broken Mind

Journal – 1.10.2012 – 11:11pm

I am depression but can’t show it.  I can’t just lay down and do nothing.  I have to survive because surviving is the only thing I have ever been good at.  The only thing I can look back on and feel proud about.  I am glad I survived to this age, no.  But happy and pride are two different emotions.  And I have been told you can do that have two different emotions about the same thing.

When I was like 13 my mother left me in a Westmoreland county juvenile detention center that she had put me in saying I was incorrigible.  But my life was no cake walk up to that point.  By the age of 16 I was molested by eight men and two women.  At different times.  I was abused and made to abuse.

I am/was  scared.

I had a mother that did not want me and father that did not want me and a stepfather that just used me to get to my mother that did not want him.

I have lost the only person that I truly believe could love me, and cannot get emotional attached to people no matter how hard I tire.

I feel lonely and disgusted by the thought of a person’s touch at the same time.

My mental illness has left me unstable and unable to ever have a normal life.  I can’t ever get good work because I have so many felonies and other criminal charges from running from an imaginary group of people that my mind made me believe was real and where trying to kill me.

I have done unspeakable things to people, and can’t feel guilty about it.

All I want to do is take a whole bottle of pills go to bed and never wake up.  I really honestly prey to whomever is out there that they just let me not wake up in the morning.

I don’t want the pain.

I don’t want the loneliness.

I don’t want the voices in my head.

I don’t want the pills that I have to take so I am not worse off.

I don’t want to hate everyone.

I don’t want to have CCTV all over the in & outside of my house.

I don’t want to feel like I am being followed

I don’t want to not trust

I don’t want to not understand people

I don’t want to survive anymore

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This entry was posted on January 12, 2012 by in Journal and tagged .
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